Can a woman have a penis? The debate makes me despair, says Nigel Nelson

Not so fair when they also spit venom at Claire for an opinion she does not hold. She is their guilt by association target for choosing me as a partner, muddle-headedness which would be tough to find words for in even the most extensive Thesaurus. And there is some irony in the very people who call me a woman-hater revealing themselves to be the real misogynists.

Claire and I disagreed on political matters from the moment we met. She was a Tory Brexiteer campaigning for Vote Leave while I was a Labour Remainer. Claire is true blue. She works for a Tory MP, was a Tory government adviser and has been on the Conservative Parliamentary candidates list. And she represented the party as a district councillor. She has the word Conservative running through her like a stick of rock.

The political blood coursing through my veins is pure red. I shy away from the socialist label as it is too often misinterpreted, but if it wasn’t that’s what I would be. Call us the Odd Couple. Many do. And the GB News presenter Esther McVey playfully teases us about our “mixed marriage”. Yet although we discuss politics all the time at home we have never once fallen out over it.

But if Claire ever has a go on telly at the Conservatives the social media circus concludes it is only because of my influence. Yet when I am critical of Labour no one suggests she is the puppeteer pulling my strings. I can think for myself because I am a man but Claire apparently cannot. This undisguised sexism even stretched to the pages of the Daily Mail which wanted a disclaimer added to her TV appearances to warn viewers I’m her spouse!

Although I respect those who believe a woman cannot have a penis under any circumstances, I despair that the debate on both sides has become so polarised that compassion for the 8,000 biological men and biological women who seek NHS treatment for gender dysphoria each year is forgotten. Such a small number to generate so much anger, which is perhaps the reason why many more in the same boat are missing from these figures.

The US is more bullish about dealing with its trans population than Western Europe. Most medical advice in the UK, France, Finland, Norway and Sweden is to proceed with extreme caution beginning with talking therapy. Puberty blocking drugs, opposite sex hormones and surgery may follow. Or may not. Either way the logic of this is that at some stage along with way there will be women with penises.

That does not mean they should have the right to wave them around in women-only spaces, and it is inexcusable to castigate the likes of JK Rowling for saying so.

But it should not be rocket science to come up with spaces to suit everyone.

I am writing this at my desk in the House of Commons, and on the floor below me there are what the Parliamentary authorities quaintly call “unisex toilets” which were there long before the trans debate became hysterical. No cubicles, but small rooms properly sealed from top to toe, each with its own wash basin, mirror and hand dryer. They provide total privacy and the loos would more properly nowadays be known as “gender neutral.”

Those who wish to lampoon self-identification say it means you can identify as anything - the writer Rod Liddle suggests he could call himself a cocker spaniel. You go ahead, Rod. I’ll pop over to give you a pat on the head and take you for walkies. But this is as absurd as a cocker spaniel identifying as Rod Liddle. You can’t change your species.

Trickier, though, is a white person identifying as black or the other way round. Rachel Dolezal, former chapter president of the US National Association for the Advancement of Colored People, was outed as white after she had presented herself as black. The furore which followed condemned her for cultural appropriation and race fakery. The row over the rights and wrongs of this go on, but there are those who argue changing gender is a necessity and highly personal while changing race is a choice impacting a wider community.

I doubt I shall be discussing this with Claire over dinner tonight given there is so much more going on in politics to disagree on. She has only once insisted I do something which would test my political resolve - and that was to vote for her in last month’s local elections.

I have never voted Tory in my life, so what to do? To salve my conscience I spoiled my ballot paper, but in such a way she would still get my vote.

Candidates are shown all spoiled ballots to see if they can claim them for themselves. It’s often their only entertainment during a tedious count. So instead of putting a cross in the box next to her name I drew an intimate little picture in it. The other candidates were outraged that someone had thought fit to submit such a risque emoji but agreed that it was a vote for Claire. They did not know - until now that is – it was not an insult but came with love from her husband.

After eight years representing our ward Claire lost, along with 1,000 other Tory councillors across the land. But I’ll bet that night our house was the most harmonious of any defeated Conservative.