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Jeremy Clarkson has spilled the details on his latest falling out with Kaleb Cooper after the farmer refused to take part in some major works on Diddly Squat farm.
The 65-year-old writer and broadcaster was inspired to make some upgrades to his Oxfordshire farm as the sunny spring weather set in.
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Writing in his column for The Times, Clarkson began by reflecting on the spring-cleaning urge to clear out the drawer of “many things” most people have in their kitchen.
He related that instinct to his own recent obsession with sprucing up Diddly Squat as March rolled in, much to the chagrin of Clarkson's right-hand man Cooper who decided to "do a runner” instead of pitching in.
Addressing the messy state of his farm, Clarkson argued there were two clear reasons the farming community struggled with clutter.
Firstly, he reckoned farmers are loathe to throw anything away because they believe “every single thing ever made by man could come in handy one day.”
Clarkson decided to spruce up Diddly Squat as Spring rolled in
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Secondly, the 65-year-old suggested rural workers “don’t really care about aesthetics” - which meant tools and equipment are rarely spick and span and are often left wherever they are most used.
Nowhere was his hypothesis better proved than when working with Cooper, who “acts like a seven-year-old who’s been told to tidy his room” when asked to put things.
Clarkson fumed after Cooper refused to help him spruce up Diddly Squat
“He’s not interested in tidiness because it takes time and time is money,” the former Top Gear host wrote.
“In his world, ugly doesn’t matter,” Clarkson surmised, remembering a time Cooper left 60-year-old chain harrow in the field even after he protested its ghastly appearance.
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To that end, Cooper had no interest in his friend’s spring-cleaning project and instead retreated to his “ugly pick-up truck” and took his young family to the Yorkshire Dales for a weekend break.
Now left in the lurch, Clarkson took on the Herculean task alone – walking 12km and fully filling three skips in just a day of work around the farm.
The task was not a glamorous one, with Clarkson fuming that “everything in a farmyard is covered in s***.”
“Sometimes the shit is hydraulic fluid and sometimes it’s grease. But mostly it’s actual s***. So, after a few minutes of tidying up you look like a miner,” he despaired.
After his gruelling labours, including shifting dozens of abandoned tractor tyres and machinery, the 65-year-old was keen to see Cooper’s reaction upon his return.
“Nothing. That’s what he said,” Clarkson raged.
To make matters worse, Cooper immediately set about dropping off seed deliveries in the wrong barn and dumping the wooden pallets in a nearby hedge.
