Only Sir Keir Starmer could snatch defeat from the jaws of victory, says Mark Dolan

But Starmer has never allowed principle to trump political opportunity, which is why he has welcomed her into the party.

Many on his backbenches and in the party are unhappy.

Well get used to five years of that, folks. Disgruntled former Labour supporter Owen Jones has said it proves that Starmer has no integrity whatsoever.

Proof, if you needed it, that yes, a broken clock is at least right twice a day.

Also, that famous election winning machine. Neil Kinnock has criticised Elphicke's arrival, saying we have to be choosy about who we allow to join our party.

Sorry Neil, should have thought about that when you made Jeremy Corbyn your leader.

Kinnock went on to say, and I quote, 'Labour is a broad church, but churches have walls, and there are limits to those walls'.

Oh, how I've missed his elegant metaphors. Deployed so effectively to win no elections ever.

To be fair, Elphicke is a problematic figure with more baggage than Heathrow Terminal three.

She's been very disloyal to her own party. She has shown political double standards and even defended her ex-husband when he was charged with sexual assault.

Starmer won't care. He doesn't have scruples. He backed Corbyn. He backed the reversal of Brexit, masking lockdowns, school closures, trans madness and the highly discredited BLM movement all because it suited him at the time.

Starmer is a walking political algorithm, a human manifestation of ChatGPT software gone horribly wrong, and this new union with the ultra conservative Elphicke is awkward because shadow chancellor Rachel Reeves used some very unparliamentary language about her in the past, saying that she can f- off. Ouch.

And Elphicke previously said that Labour has no plan to stop the boats.

Well, as luck would have it, heading down to Dover today, Keir Starmer announced that he will use counter-terror police to smash the people smuggling gangs. Good luck with that. It's not like these gangs are clever, ruthless, mobile and have the internet.

Yes, Labour is going to stop the boats with lawyers and a couple of extra border cops.

Labour's exciting new policy is really just a rebadged and souped up version of what's already happening at the moment, better resourcing efforts which don't currently work.

It's a bit like watering a dead plant. Except that Labour's plan might actually help the criminal gangs.

At the moment you cannot apply for asylum if you enter the country illegally.

Labour will reverse that and they're going to get rid of the Rwanda plan even. That's right. Even if it works.

The fact that the Irish government have already proved that the plan is working won't make a lot of difference.

Labour don't want to set the dangerous precedent of having policies that actually work when in governments. It's all a shame, really. The economy is recovering. As today's figures demonstrate, there is a viable plan to stop the boats and the woke fightback under Sunak has begun.

None of this matters. A Labour government is coming and more defections from the Tory party will likely follow in the months ahead.

In fact, perhaps Rishi Sunak is right that there will be a hung parliament but before the election, not after, with his own MPs running into the arms of Labour.

So, given that Labour have accepted arch right winger Natalie Elphicke, how might this change the makeup of their shadow cabinet? We've been busy all afternoon, Ben, Greg and myself drawing up what might look like Keir Starmer's more saucy conservative opposition.

Here's what he might look like. Shadow employment minister Norman Tebbit on your bike. Shadow chancellor crunching the numbers Katie Hopkins, shadow foreign secretary Tucker Carlson taking no nonsense. How about that shadow levelling up Russell Brand, shadow defence secretary Benito Mussolini.

He'll tell you who's in charge. And shadow deputy prime minister replacing Angela Rayner. Tommy Robinson. Oh, God. There you go, folks. Labour, quite literally on the right side of history.