A couple of weeks ago, Sturgeon said she had ‘plenty in the tank’, today she’s been mulling over whether to go for ‘some weeks’, says Dawn Neesom

NOW, not entirely sure how you’re feeling the morning after the Valentine's Night before but slightly convinced I’m in some kind of chocolate and champagne fuelled parallel universe.

Even though the doc assures me there is at least some blood left in my alcohol system pretty sure I’m still drunk.

Well how on earth do you explain that Nicola Sturgeon has cancelled herself; Keir Starmer has cancelled Jeremy Corbyn; our Armed Forces have cancelled common sense and either ET or the Chinese are spying on us. Oh and don’t forget that a well known soft drink is now ‘racist’.

Talk about stop the world it’s time to get off. Oops, no, you can’t even do that as it would involve fighting your way through all those layers of weird ‘weather’ balloons. Sorry!

If you have only just crawled out from under the duvet everyone’s favourite Wee Jimmy Krankie tribute act announced today that she was stepping down as First Minister of Scotland.

This is despite the fact just a couple of weeks ago Nicola Sturgeon was insisting she had ‘plenty left in her tank’.

Fast forward to today and she says she’s been mulling over whether to go for ‘some weeks’. Heh? What’s that about then?

Nicola Sturgeon has stepped down as Scottish First Minister
Jane Barlow

She denies her decision has anything to do with a new poll revealing Scottish appetite for independence is currently lower than the 45% recorded in the 2014 referendum. Or indeed the fact that she thought it was perfectly acceptable to put a convicted rapist into a woman’s prison because he’d suddenly started wearing a wig and a lot of pink.

Nope, it’s honestly to spend more time with her family and that she ‘knows when to go.’

Though not entirely sure that last bit’s true as it took her over thirty minutes of self-indulgent Jacinda Arden resignation style clap-trap to say ‘Bye!’.

Strangely there was no time to mention Scotland’s appalling drug addiction problems, the state of the NHS, the constant strikes or the ‘interesting’ SNP donations.

Nicola not the only one out of a job today, though. Back in England Keir Starmer finally climbed down off his favourite fence to basically sack his former leader and mate, Jeremy Corbyn.

Which means Jezza won’t be standing as an MP come the next election. Well not in England. Possibly time for the Scots to start shoving Hadrian’s Wall back up again just in case…

Not just British politics that have gone mad today. Another fun titbit for you is that our Armed Forces have admitted spending an incredible £1million on a ‘diversity jobs drive’. You know making sure that all the relevant boxes for sex, race, religion, sexuality, age and body type have been ticked.

Whether any of them can actually fight or not is obviously neither here nor there. Well, not like there’s a war going on a short flight away is there? Or that our armed forces are currently at the lowest levels we’ve seen with just 156,000 armed personnel. To help you visualise that Wembley Stadium holds 90,000.

China has the worlds biggest army with 2million and Russia has 830,000. Well, that’s before Putin started emptying the prisons of rapists and murderers to go fight in Ukraine. And our lot are worried about offending the woke mob by not having enough ethnic minorities or genders?

Jeez enough to make anyone reach of a stiff drink. Or even a soft one. Not Lilt though. No the fruity fizzy beverage with a totally tropical taste is now, checks notes, ‘racist’.

As is everything this days obviously.

Talking of the importance of skin colour let’s go back to those mysterious balloons the Americans are busy blasting out of the sky.

Could they be sent by little green extra terrestrials rather than the Chinese?

Be worrying wouldn’t it? Nah, not because of the fear of flying saucers suddenly hovering menacingly over our major cities but what in the hell we’re supposed to do when the invading aliens demand what they always do in movies.

And be taken our leaders…